Science & Technology
NASA Moves Weekly Staff Meeting to Mars After Discovering Delay Improves Conversation
Dr. Cynthia Source examines NASA’s fictional plan to solve workplace meetings using interplanetary distance.
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Defense & Military
Pentagon Classifies Missing Coffee Mug After It Appears in Three Unauthorized Offices
Colonel Liberty Hawk reports on a defense-security emergency involving one mug, three desks and an aggressively redacted inventory form.
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America & Freedom
America Installs Freedom Vending Machines for Citizens Needing Emergency Liberty
Uncle Bro tests a new network of vending machines dispensing pocket constitutions, miniature flags and emergency opinions.
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Florida
Florida Alligator Directs Traffic Better Than Temporary Road Sign
Florida Frank reports from an intersection where an alligator achieved what cones and flashing signs could not.
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U.S. Politics
Senator Filibusters Own Speech After Disagreeing With Earlier Version of Himself
Captain Freedom covers a historic debate in which one lawmaker successfully prevented himself from reaching a conclusion.
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Sports
Professional League Replaces Referees With Live Online Poll and Immediately Regrets It
J-BO covers a revolutionary officiating system powered by social media, outrage and unlimited refresh buttons.
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Sports
Olympics Add Competitive Queueing After Decades of Unofficial Global Training
J-BO previews the newest international competition: standing in line with championship-level focus.
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Business & Economy
Billionaire Launches Monthly Subscription for Premium Sunlight
Uncle Bro investigates a startup claiming to disrupt the sun through memberships, upgrades and family plans.
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Business & Economy
Self-Checkout Machine Requests Tip and Annual Performance Review
Uncle Bro confronts a supermarket terminal seeking a gratuity, paid leave and constructive feedback.
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Science & Technology
AI Therapist Seeks Therapy After Processing Entire Internet for One Week
Dr. Cynthia Source reviews the first artificial intelligence to request a mental-health day from humanity.
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Science & Technology
Smart Refrigerator Reports Owner for Storing Unpatriotic Mustard
Captain Freedom investigates whether connected appliances have become too judgmental about American lunch.
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Fact Check
Scientists Train Pigeons to Detect Fake News; Pigeons Resign After Reading Comments
SausageGoat reports on an animal fact-checking experiment that ended over unacceptable working conditions.
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