Presidential Podium Receives Performance Bonus for Holding Up So Many Claims

In an explicitly fictional Washington ceremony, a lectern has been honored for supporting statements far beyond its original design specifications. Engineers praised its ability to remain upright through sudden changes in policy direction.

Captain Freedom interviewed the maintenance team, which replaces the finish after every particularly forceful announcement. The microphone has requested reassignment, while the presidential seal remains firmly attached through what technicians call institutional adhesive.

The podium declined questions, achieving a favorability rating unavailable to anyone speaking behind it. Its bonus will fund sturdier casters for rapid repositioning. Asked whether the furniture had a political future, an aide said it already possessed the essential qualification: never visibly reacting to what it hears.