SausageGoat Announces Presidential Campaign, Leads Every Poll Conducted With Snacks
The candidate promises four legs of government, transparent lunch policy and immediate action against suspicious squirrels.
WASHINGTON — SausageGoat announced a presidential campaign by climbing onto the newsroom desk and eating Captain Freedom’s briefing notes. Uncle Bro interpreted the act as a rejection of politics as usual.
The platform includes universal snack access, expanded park funding and a constitutional amendment preventing veterinarians from using the phrase “just a quick temperature check.” Foreign policy remains unclear, although Li Wei has already arranged several private meetings.
A Campaign Built on Grassroots and Actual Grass
Polls show SausageGoat winning ninety-eight percent support when respondents are handed treats before answering. Dr. Cynthia Source questioned the methodology until the candidate ate her clipboard.
Eligibility experts note unresolved questions involving age, citizenship, species and possible extraterrestrial origin. Captain Freedom insists SausageGoat is one hundred percent American regardless of planet of birth.