Florida Replaces Weather Forecast With Falling Iguana Probability Index
Residents no longer ask how cold it will become, only whether protective headwear is recommended.
FLORIDA — Meteorologists introduced a Falling Iguana Probability Index after residents concluded that ordinary temperature numbers did not adequately describe winter risk. A reading of zero means sandals. A reading of five means look up before opening the patio door.
Florida Frank tested the system beneath a palm tree wearing a bicycle helmet and holding a breakfast sandwich as emergency bait. Wildlife experts asked him to move. Frank interpreted this as confirmation that conditions were becoming serious.
Cloudy With a Chance of Reptiles
The index does not predict aggressive iguanas. Cold-stunned reptiles may become immobile and later recover, a sentence Florida tourism officials requested be printed in smaller letters.
Frank advises residents not to touch fallen wildlife and to follow legitimate guidance. He also recommends never parking a convertible under anything described as reptile-bearing vegetation.