“I never switched sides. The sides switched around me.”
Full biography
Heinrich Schnitzelgruber is a 95-year-old retired general, military expert and international correspondent whose résumé raises considerably more questions than it answers.
According to Heinrich, he served as a general — although nobody at Trust-Me-Bro.US has been able to determine exactly which country promoted him. Several governments allegedly deny responsibility.
His military career becomes particularly confusing during the Vietnam War. Heinrich claims to have worked with “all sides at some point,” sometimes changing assignments so quickly that even he can no longer remember who was briefing him. Documents supposedly proving his story have either disappeared, remain classified, were destroyed, or are currently stored in a box that Heinrich refuses to open.
His origins are equally international. His father was American, his mother North Korean, and family legend claims Heinrich was born somewhere in a forest in Russia. No hospital, village or government has ever successfully confirmed this.
Today, Heinrich reportedly holds four citizenships: German, Austrian, North Korean and American. How he acquired all four is a question he normally answers by staring silently at the interviewer and tapping his gold-handled walking stick on the floor.
Not everyone believes Heinrich’s extraordinary biography. Some former colleagues, historians and at least one suspicious bartender have suggested that he may simply be an exceptionally talented impostor and professional storyteller who has spent decades turning questionable anecdotes into an impressive military career. Heinrich strongly rejects these allegations and insists that the absence of evidence is “exactly what you would expect from a man with my security clearance.”
Attempts to verify his medals, ranks and assignments have produced conflicting results. Some records appear to exist, others lead nowhere, and several supposedly official documents contain stamps from organizations nobody has ever heard of. Heinrich considers this further proof that his past remains highly classified.
After decades of alleged military service, mysterious diplomatic assignments and unexplained appearances in historical photographs, Heinrich joined Trust-Me-Bro.US as its military expert and international correspondent. He provides analysis on wars, geopolitics, military strategy and international crises — usually beginning with the sentence, “I have seen this before.”
Whether Heinrich is a decorated veteran, an international intelligence legend, a spectacularly successful impostor, or simply an exceptionally convincing old man with a magnificent résumé remains under investigation.