Exclusive Trust-Me-Bro.us Report
WASHINGTON, D.C. – A newly leaked report from the Department of Media Psychology (DMP) has confirmed what millions of Americans have suspected for years:
Nobody believes they’re watching biased news.
Everyone believes everyone else is.
Researchers called the discovery “the most predictable surprise in modern history.”
The $112 Million Study
Scientists spent three years interviewing more than 50,000 Americans.
Participants were asked one simple question:
“Do you think the news you watch is biased?”
Only 2% answered “Yes.”
When asked if other news channels were biased…
The number jumped to 98%.
Researchers immediately requested additional funding.
Phase One: The Television Experiment
Volunteers were placed in separate rooms and shown the exact same news story.
Afterward, every participant reached the same conclusion.
“This proves my side is right.”
Scientists repeated the experiment twelve times.
The results never changed.
Phase Two: The Internet
Researchers then asked participants to read an article before commenting.
The study ended after no one agreed to do it.
Classified Psychological Assessment
The leaked report identified four universal stages of media consumption:
Stage 1
“Finally… someone is telling the truth.”
Stage 2
“Every other channel is lying.”
Stage 3
“I watched one YouTube video, so I basically understand geopolitics now.”
Stage 4
Argues with strangers in the comments for three hours.
Researchers described Stage 4 as “irreversible.”
Interview with Chief Inspector SausageGoat
Reporter: “Who watches the most trustworthy news?”
SausageGoat paused for several seconds before answering.
“The only unbiased source is the neighbor who waters his lawn while quietly judging everyone.”
“He never speaks.”
“Yet somehow… he knows everything.”
Final Government Recommendation
The Department of Media Psychology recommends the following:
- Read the article before commenting.
- Accept that no news source is perfect.
- If your blood pressure rises every time you turn on the television… turn it off and pet a dog.
📊 Threat Level
🟡 Chronically Online
No immediate danger to national security.
A significant danger to Thanksgiving dinners.
🐐 Final Comment from SausageGoat
“If every channel says the other channels are lying… maybe the only thing everyone agrees on is that everyone else is wrong.”
Case Closed. 🇺🇸📺