📞 PATRIOT HOTLINE EXCLUSIVE
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Patriot Hotline has obtained the complete transcript of a phone call between SausageGoat and an alleged international lottery scammer. Authorities have confirmed only one thing:
The scammer definitely regretted making this call.
📞 LEAKED TRANSCRIPT
Scammer: Hello, sir! Congratulations! You have won 47 million Freedom Dollars in the International Mega Global Royal Patriot Lottery!
Sausage Goat: That’s incredible. Which lottery?
Scammer: The… International Mega Global Royal Patriot Lottery.
Sausage Goat: I don’t remember entering.
Scammer: Sir, you were selected automatically.
Sausage Goat: Like jury duty?
Scammer: Yes… exactly like that.
Sausage Goat: Excellent. Before we continue, this call is being monitored by the Patriot Hotline and approximately three bald eagles. Is that okay?
Scammer: …Yes?
Sausage Goat: Great. First security question. What is your favorite barbecue sauce?
Scammer: Excuse me?
Sausage Goat: Wrong answer. Write that down, Patriot Hotline.
Scammer: Sir, to receive your prize you only need to pay a small processing fee.
Sausage Goat: That’s reasonable. How much?
Scammer: Only $500.
Sausage Goat: Only? That’s cheaper than a patriotic lawn mower.
Scammer: Yes, sir.
Sausage Goat: Can I pay in cheeseburgers?
Scammer: No.
Sausage Goat: Bald eagle feathers?
Scammer: No.
Sausage Goat: Coupons for freedom?
Scammer: No, sir. Gift cards.
Sausage Goat: Ah… there it is.
Sausage Goat: Which gift cards?
Scammer: Apple gift cards.
Sausage Goat: Interesting.
Scammer: Yes, sir.
Sausage Goat: Unfortunately, all I have are gift cards for “Uncle Bob’s Tactical Barbecue & Tire Emporium.”
Scammer: Those will not work.
Sausage Goat: Their ribs are outstanding though.
Scammer: Sir, please go to the nearest store immediately.
Sausage Goat: I already am.
Scammer: Really?
Sausage Goat: It’s a store that sells freedom.
Scammer: …
Sausage Goat: Aisle seven.
Scammer: Did you buy the gift cards?
Sausage Goat: I bought twelve hot dogs, six American flags, one inflatable eagle and a garden gnome dressed as George Washington.
Scammer: Sir… please focus.
Sausage Goat: I am focused.
Scammer: Read me the numbers on the back of the gift cards.
Sausage Goat: Certainly.
Scammer: Thank you.
Sausage Goat: One…
Scammer: Yes?
Sausage Goat: Eight…
Scammer: Go on…
Sausage Goat: Seven…
Scammer: Yes…
Sausage Goat: Freedom.
Scammer: Freedom is not a number.
Sausage Goat: Depends how patriotic you are.
Scammer: Sir, stop joking.
Sausage Goat: I’m not joking.
Scammer: Please cooperate.
Sausage Goat: Happy to. Quick security verification first.
Scammer: Fine.
Sausage Goat: Name all 50 states alphabetically.
Scammer: I…
Sausage Goat: You have ten seconds.
Scammer: Sir, that is impossible.
Sausage Goat: So is winning a lottery you never entered.
Scammer: Sir… why are you doing this?
Sausage Goat: Because every minute you spend talking to me is one minute you’re not scamming someone’s grandmother.
(17 seconds of silence.)
Scammer: I think I have the wrong number.
Sausage Goat: No.
Scammer: No?
Sausage Goat: You called exactly the right goat.
Scammer: Goodbye.
Sausage Goat: Before you leave, would you like to subscribe to Patriot Hotline?
Scammer: No.
Sausage Goat: It’s free.
Scammer: No.
Sausage Goat: Includes weekly barbecue tips.
Scammer: NO!
Sausage Goat: Understandable. Have a wonderfully scam-free day.
Call disconnected.
🇺🇸 PATRIOT HOTLINE CONCLUSION
According to Patriot Hotline analysts, the scammer ended the call 27 minutes, 43 seconds later than planned, earning exactly $0.00, one headache, and a lifelong fear of calling anyone named Sausage Goat.
Remember: If someone claims you’ve won a lottery you never entered and asks for gift cards, it’s almost certainly a scam.
If they accidentally call Sausage Goat instead…
…it’s entertainment.