WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a decisive act of patriotism, specially marked tanker trucks rolled into the National Mall overnight to deliver an emergency Freedom Bath™ to the Reflecting Pool. According to highly classified sources who definitely know a guy, the operation involved a carefully measured dose of hydrogen peroxide to defeat what officials described as “anti-American algae activity.”
The investigation reportedly began after elite Patriot Analysts noticed that the algae appeared to be spreading suspiciously fast whenever politicians started talking about “collective solutions.” Coincidence? Our experts don’t think so.
An anonymous source from the completely real Department of Eagle Affairs stated:
“Normal algae just floats around. This algae wanted equal sunlight for everyone. That’s when we knew we had a problem.”
The report further concludes that decades of questionable environmental policies, excessive bureaucracy, and what investigators dramatically referred to as “communist vibes” allowed the green invasion to flourish unchecked. Critics immediately pointed fingers at Democratic leadership, claiming they spent too much time holding meetings while the algae was allegedly “organizing itself.”
Following the emergency treatment, officials proudly confirmed that the water is now 37% more patriotic, producing significantly clearer reflections of the Lincoln Memorial, American flags, and bald eagles soaring overhead.
The Department has not ruled out additional Freedom Baths if any future outbreaks of suspiciously collectivist algae are detected.
Stay alert. Stay patriotic. Trust. Me. Bro.