🧠 Brain Damage Assessment™
Florida Man Travels to Washington, D.C., Demands the Right to Vote in All 50 States
Examining Physician: Dr. SausageGoat, M.D. (Master of Delusion)
Patient
Name: Withheld pending election results.
Home State: Florida.
Alleged Political Affiliation: Reportedly a Republican. The patient insisted this had “nothing to do with it,” before asking where he could cast his 37th vote.
Chief Complaint: Patient believes that because the United States is “one country,” he should be allowed to vote once in every single state.
Incident Report
Witnesses report that the patient arrived in Washington, D.C. carrying a road atlas, a box of “I Voted” stickers, and an ambitious travel itinerary titled:
“The 50-State Democracy Speedrun.”
According to officials, the patient calmly explained:
“I’m not committing voter fraud. I’m just… maximizing my freedom.”
He then asked where he could pick up his “National Ballot.”
Security reportedly stared into the distance for several seconds before requesting backup.
Clinical Examination
The patient was informed that U.S. citizens vote in the state where they are legally registered.
His response:
“That sounds like a limitation invented by quitters.”
When shown a map of the United States, he circled every state and wrote:
“See? They’re all connected.”
Medical professionals immediately ordered additional testing.
Brain Scan Results
The MRI revealed several significant abnormalities:
- Critically enlarged Patriotism Gland™
- Hyperactive Freedom Processing Center
- A complete absence of the Election Rules Lobe
- Elevated levels of Constitutional Creativity
Remarkably, every neuron appeared to be chanting:
“One nation… fifty ballots.”
Diagnosis
Multi-State Voting Optimization Syndrome (MSVOS)
Common symptoms include:
- Believing elections have a combo multiplier.
- Asking if Alaska counts as “bonus points.”
- Collecting “I Voted” stickers like Pokémon cards.
- Calling voter registration “optional DLC.”
- Referring to Election Day as “The Ultimate Road Trip.”
Recommended Treatment
- Read the Constitution.
- Read your state’s election laws.
- Accept that “United States” does not mean “Unlimited Votes.”
- Repeat daily:
“One citizen. One vote. That’s already enough.”
Prognosis
Doctors believe the patient will make a full recovery…
…immediately after discovering that voting twice is illegal, let alone fifty times.
🐐 Final Assessment
Brain Activity: Running in all 50 states simultaneously.
Confidence Level: Electoral College.
Understanding of Election Law: Still loading…
Official Brain Damage Score™
🧠🧠🧠🧠🧠🧠🧠🧠⬜⬜
8.7 / 10 Brains Lost
Disclaimer: This assessment is a work of satire. The fictional patient’s alleged political affiliation is part of the joke and does not refer to any real individual.
Trust us, bro.